Just A Simple Post

We have moved into our new apartment. The view from my porch is spectacular. Mountains covered with a snow, gauzy clouds crowning the peaks. Everytime I step out, I am reminded that I am finally home. The mornings are peaceful and spectacular.

Today, I watched Gulliver’s Travels with the kids and felt so happy and content as I laughed with them as Jack Black peed on the castle. Sipping on coffee, I relaxed and chattered with them about the film. It was a good way to start the morning.

Today we have an appointment. An important one. We have to take the kids with us and we hope that they will behave as we do our business. Then… I go to work.

I have just graduated from my training class and will be starting on the sales floor, tonight. I am a little bit nervous and hope that I don’t screw up too badly. My confidence at working, since the coma, has been shaken. My past history of work has me determined to keep this one and to try my best, however. I need this job to support my family, and to rebuild my shattered self-esteem. I have been struggling hard to stay sober, yet, I know that I need to go to more meetings. That will all come together as soon as I settle into my work schedule, though.

Robert has been so sweet and supportive. He makes me coffee and dotes on me as I try my best to keep the household running in ship-shape. Ava is a little stinker and Hextall has been doing rather well on his ADHD regimen. It’s like they have swapped roles – he used to be the rabble-rouser and now, Ava is. C’est la vie, eh?

Oksana has been having a hard time with the Holidays as she usually visits me during this time. However, neither I or her father has the funds to fly her down here. I hope to use my tax return to get her some tickets, for her and Ole, to visit during the summer. It’s going to be a long wait until then, for all of us, as I miss them so dearly.

I am planning to investigate the independent newspapers around here and hopefully write for one of them, just like I did back up North.

I miss my friends from the Twin Ports and hope that they all are having a happy holiday season. It’s hard for me to not be able to jump in the car and have coffee with them anymore. I hope that I can visit them within a year or so. Maybe my hair will be grown back by then…

I am planning to quit smoking on December 25th. It’s one of my last vices (coffee being the other) and I am so tired of hacking and wheezing. It will be a good thing when I catch my breath again. Wish me luck.

That’s all the time I have for now. Thanks for reading and, as always – love, light, and laughter to all…

XOXOXOCatherine

Oksana and Ole

Oksanaberry

I miss Oksana and Ole. They live with their father in Maiden Rock, WI. the only negative aspect to the move to Colorado was that I put even more distance between myself and them – over 1500 miles. This aches my heart so badly… They are such awesome, beautiful kids and I wish I could have them in my life every day.

Their father, Oscar, and his wife have been so understanding and supportive that he is going to let them fly down for the summer. So, I do have something to look forward to. I just hope that they knoww that I love them so dearly, in the meantime.

Oksana is 16 and is a picture-perfect angel of light, goodness, and wit. Ole is 12 and has such a genuine, understanding heart and is handsome as hell to boot.  It’s hard for me to come up with words to describe them because they are so indescribably awesome…

I wish I had more pictures of Ole. When he comes down for the summer I am going to take a gazillion photos of him and plaster them all over my walls.

I am finding this entry very hard to write because when I think of my kids, the emotions just overcome all the words. I love them so much.

I love them. I guess all I can say is that I want to have this entry as an acknowledgement of how important they are to me even though they are not with me physically. Oscar and his wife are good parents to them and I am very lucky that they try to pass along my love to my children and help them through my not being there. Although I miss them, I do not regret letting Oscar have custody as they have grown up in a very loving, stable environment. The fact that they are such sweet, kind, and strong children is a testament to that.

I love them. I love them.

I love Oksana and Ole.

They are sunshine to my spirit.

And, I am very lucky to have them in my life, regardless of the distance. No matter how many miles apart we are, they will always have a spot to sit at the seat of my soul.

I love Oksana and Ole.

A New Frontier

 

In October, we recently moved from Superior, WI to my hometown, Colorado Springs, CO. Since then, we have lived with my brother and sister-in-law while looking for a place to live. My brother’s help was one of the reasons why we moved; in Superior we had no family to help and this was brought starkly home to me during the time I was in a coma and there was no one to help Robert with the children. Now that we are near family, my heart feels full and I feel more reassured that if anything happens to me again that my family will be there for Robert and the kids. Although there have been some stressful times since the move, overall my family would do anything to help us and that is a good feeling.

It is kind of bizarre, this homecoming of mine. Living in the city that I grew up in after all that has happened is kind of unsettling. The beautiful mountains that stand watch over the city have remained unchanged, but so has all the spots full of bad memories. As I drive around the city with my sister-in-law, it is gut-lurching as I remember what happened to me here or there – sometimes it feel like my childhood happened to another person. Who I am has changed so much… All I can feel is pity for the young girl who suffered so much on these streets. Perhaps, I am finally at a point where I can put her to rest, and let go of all of the pain and heartbreak. I hope so.

We found an apartment and will be moving into it on Friday. I am looking forward to being in my own place, once again. However, there is a part of me that is nervous about being in a good/bad neighborhood and being on our own again. I kind of find it a bit pathetic that both Rob and I are in our late thirties but still are in the kindergarten phase of learning how to live life as farkin’ grown-ups. It seems that we have had to start over so much in the past five years that that is the only thing we are good at – starting over. I am tired as all gawdammed hell over starting over – I want to just settle down and live my life for once, without worrying about the next place we are going to live.

I have to remember that a lot of what has happened to us wasn’t our fault. The coma, Rob losing his barbershop because he chose to stand by my side as I was deathly ill, and the fucking recession all played a part off where we are at today. However, my reticence at participating in A.A. and the ensuing relapse was all my fault. Although I only relapsed for a day, I have been able to take an honest look at my life and have realized that I was living many small lies that built up until I had my downfall. Although the coma and Rob losing his business was a big part of our spiral downward, I have to say that I am not blame-free when it comes to assessing where I m at today. Thankfully, on the bipolar part of my life, I have been rather stable *knocks on wood*.

I have a good job at a cable company and they know about everything that has been going on and have been very understanding. It pays well, and as soon as I am through the probationary period, I will be in the position of making good money. I just hope that I can hang onto it without getting afraid and sabotaging it like I did all my past jobs. *crosses fingers* I just have to hope that I am learning how to be an adult (finally) and that I CAN DO THIS as long as I put one foot in front of the other. Today, I have to work. All I need to do for today is suit up and show up. I can do that.

My dear husband also has some anxiety issues about the move and being away from the area he has lived in for the past 38 years. But, if he really feels that bad about it he can write his own blog – haha! I feel that he will be able to overcome these fears when he gets his own job, though, and am not too worried about it. Otherwise, I am happy that I am in Colorado Springs, once again. I am near family. They understand me and love me regardless. I have my own family with me, who also put up with my shenanigans. I also have a lot of friends that have been supportive through all of this via the Internet and snail-mail.

I am blessed. Love, light and laughter to all………..

Catherine

Photo Mosaic

A Brief Overview of Who I Am and Why I Like To Jabberwocky On Teh Netz

My name is Catherine and I am thirty-six-years old. I have had a very crazy, odd life due to funny ol’ circumstance, my bipolar disorder, and the fact that I am a recovering boozehound. I am a mother of four beautiful children and my husband of ten years has been the rock to my kite. I grew up in Colorado Springs, CO but have lived in Red Wing, Mn; Tempe, AZ: Las Vegas, NV; and, last, but not least – Superior, WI.

While living in Superior, I sobered up, found out that I was crazy and started writing. Back in 2004, I began publicly sharing my writing on a MySpace blog, and since then, have written for six years for The Weekly Reader in Duluth, Mn. I have also been the editor of my student newsletter, and various other writing projects.

In Februay 2011, I was in a seven-week-long coma due to the H1N1 virus and nearly lost my life twice. I woke up out of the coma with my left hand paralyzed and devastated, fearing that I would not write again. Recently, I have grown tired of being depressed and have decided to blog again, both as therapy for the depression and to rehabilitate my left hand.

I plan to blog on a daily basis about how my journey is going and about my experiences in recovery, insanity, and jabberwocky. Some of my post may be crudely unorthodox and some may be finely crafted works of my art. I recommend some Tums for some and some coffee for the rest…May all that stop by enjoy a few smiles and…understand that their not alone… and have an abundance of love, light, and laughter in their lives.

Love, light, laughter....and donuts..